


love is a response of the body (it haunts and we do what it wants)

by NoxWrites



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, angst and angst and more angst, falling in love again au, get a tissue box, im sorry, like seriously, memory loss au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 09:24:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13120839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoxWrites/pseuds/NoxWrites
Summary: One arm goes to cover her head as Kara’s enemy flies back down, gripping Kara by the throat and then swoops back to the top of the nearest building.“James, let me go.” Lena pleads, her voice broken.“Lena. Lena.” He says her name over and over as she struggles. “If Reign knows you love Kara, she will kill you. Stop. Think about this!” Lena stops, but not because of James’ reasoning.She stops because from over James’ shoulder she looks up, her hand going to cover her mouth in horror as Reign brings Kara to the edge of the building only to let her go.Time is going too fast, everything is going too fast. Everything is going slow. Not fast enough. Fast and slow at the same time. It hurts Lena’s brain. It hurts Lena. Kara falls so slowly, every foot closer she gets to the ground the longer it takes for her but in her last few feet it speeds up and Kara slams into the ground with nothing to stop her but the cement and earth beneath her.—the au where Kara forgets everything and everyone, even Lena.





	love is a response of the body (it haunts and we do what it wants)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [linkuus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/linkuus/gifts).



> um so a few notes.
> 
> 1\. i am sorry
> 
> 2\. here's a link to the playlists, um listen if you want while you read, its painful but oh well:   
> https://open.spotify.com/user/julie.cx/playlist/6juY6gRsMkUhkSKgaPFEIQ  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/bxyanna17/playlist/6bCEFRamjsJauYYONKDlTo
> 
> 3\. thank you to julie for constantly letting me scream about this au
> 
> 4\. this takes place over a few months. so like one month between each break basically.

She sits at her desk, elbows on the white wood and hands clasped together as she listens to the men in front of her drawl on about an investment opportunity that she had already agreed upon. Of course not to further their project, no they were wasting resources on military technology when the same resources could be focused on medical cures and solving world hunger.

“Ms. Luthor.” Jess swings the door wildly open, not caring for the meeting in progress. She swallowed her fear of beratment and continued. “Channel 5.” She immediately closes the door and goes back to her desk.

“One moment gentlemen.” Lena stands, gripping the small remote that sits at the edge of her desk. With a click of a few buttons the tv glows alive with footage of a fight in progress. She leans back against the desk, sitting right on the edge. As the camera pans from a small dot in the sky to a rocketing Supergirl, Lena clenches the remote a bit harder. “I’m sorry gentlemen, we’ll have to reschedule.”

They mumble some words about  _ ‘Of course Ms. Luthor.’  _ and  _ ‘Thank you for this opportunity’  _ but Lena’s only focus is the screen. She holds her hand up to her mouth in fright as the reporter goes on.

“Special agents from unmarked vans are entering the fight as we speak.”  _ Alex.  _ “Sources confirm the opponent is the one who was burning crops to make a Super-like symbol but with a skull replacing the Super’s S coat of arms.”

Lena’s arm starts to tremble as it holds her up on the table. She can feel her heart beating rapidly.

The opponent comes from around the corner, flaming car door in hand as Supergirl crawls out of a pit of cement. The assailant throws the car door to Supergirl, slicing right through Kara’s legs and causing her to fall forward, only to be hit by heat vision and sent into the sky.

“Jess call my driver.” Lena shouts, not bothering with the intercom.

Jess comes to open the door, “Special agent Danvers has already sent an escort.”

Lena nods, gripping her purse and coat. She follows Jess down to the elevators and into the garage, Jess departs and promises to clear out L-Corp. Lena nods, the only thing she’s hearing is white noise, static ringing louder and louder as the image of Kara’s bloody face burns in her mind. She can feel her bones ache to sprint to Kara, to push her opponent away and hold her. She can feel her tears start in her eyes and she hasn’t even gotten four feet from L-Corp.

The driver says nothing as they go, his face is stern and Lena sees that he’s a DEO Agent. Not one she has grown to know with her near daily visits. Someone from Alex’s squad quite possibly. He bears the patch with Alex’s hawk and knife insignia, marking him an elite member. She looks down and sees the gun at his hip and the other one in the passenger seat of the car. She hopes to God, to Rao, to anyone listening for him to be taking her to see an alive Kara, a Kara that will give her the best weak smile she’s ever seen.

He takes a sharp turn, going down a back street and out of the crowded traffic that the police caused by blocking off the scene. Lena looks out the window, the glowing lights of National City at night blur together as they drive past them. People all stopping to look on at TVs and to read their phones as the fight takes place. Officers rushing up and down streets to move people farther and farther away from Kara and her opponent.

It’s when a red blur streaks across the sky that Lena yells at her driver to stop. He informs her that he can’t and how he doesn’t take orders from her. She throws logic to the wind and opens the car door as it’s moving, the driver immediately slams on the breaks. She’s out the door and racing down the streets to where she saw Kara land. She’s nearly there when large arms wrap around her waist, she turns in the foreign hands, ready to attack when she James’ petrified face. She tries to push on his chest to get free but he holds her.

One arm goes to cover her head as Kara’s enemy flies back down, gripping Kara by the throat and then swoops back to the top of the nearest building.

“James, let me go.” Lena pleads, her voice broken.

“Lena. Lena.” He says her name over and over as she struggles. “If Reign knows you love Kara, she will kill you. Stop. Think about this!” Lena stops, but not because of James’ reasoning.

She stops because from over James’ shoulder she looks up, her hand going to cover her mouth in horror as Reign brings Kara to the edge of the building only to let her go.

Time is going too fast, everything is going too fast. Everything is going slow. Not fast enough. Fast and slow at the same time. It hurts Lena’s brain. It hurts Lena. Kara falls so slowly, every foot closer she gets to the ground the longer it takes for her but in her last few feet it speeds up and Kara slams into the ground with nothing to stop her but the cement and earth beneath her.

Lena screams in horror as James holds her, not preventing her from rushing to Kara but to hold her as Kara lays near lifeless on the ground. She leans forward as Alex comes in racing with a team of DEO agents at her back.

The static comes back, it increases as James talks to Alex then dies out in the silence. The sirens of the DEO trucks and police cars come through clear enough but the world is static. James leads her to a DEO car, he joins her for the ride. Her tears don’t stop but her sobs do, she’s silent as her cheeks are stained with the pain of love. Did Lois feel this way everytime Clark had a fight he didn’t win? Did she become numb to the pit that rests at the bottom of the stomach at the sight of their supers free falling to the ground? Did she cry?

James takes her hand, Lena isn’t focusing on anything but she feels something wrap around her hand so she assumes it’s James. He leads her past the DEO doors, she recognizes the fuzzy bird spreading its wings through her tears. She just tumbles step after step as James leads her through. Her feet take over, she leaves him a bit behind as she realizes where they are going. Her body leads her to the infirmary, the specific infirmary for Kara.

It’s glass walls and windows with white tiles and bright lights. It’s a single medical bed surrounded by bright lights. It’s clean and horrible all at once. It’s a nightmare.

“Lena-” Her hand goes up to stop Winn from taking her away from the room.

She’s already seen Kara. Lifeless on the bed, one hand draped over herself and the other falling from the bed. She sees others, J’onn, Mon-el, Imra, even Vasquez. She sees them all gathering around as Alex works on her sister. Fuck, Lena didn’t consider that. Alex has to operate on her own sister. If she failed it’s not one of those scenarios where  _ “You did the best you could”,  _ it was a scenario where Alex will be taunted by the outcome for years to come.

Alex’s shouts echo off of the glass walls, agents scramble to get her tools, anything that can help her. Her legs give out first, buckling beneath her. She’s nearly on her knees when she feels James’ arms holding her back up. She turns her head into his chest, sobbing as the slow deteriorating beeps of Kara’s heart are screaming in her mind.

It takes them six hours, six hours forty eight minutes and nine seconds, for them to stabilize Kara, but they hit the worst predicament. They can put Kara under red sun lamps to have her body regain strength but be unable to operate, or operate and risk Kara crashing and not coming back. Lena hates both decisions. Alex makes the call to put her in one of the life pods that came with Mon-el’s ship.

That’s where Lena finds herself after six hours fifty three minutes and forty two seconds. She’s the last one in the room, everyone scrambling to do something other than worry over Kara’s life. Lena can’t do that. Lena’s entire life was to be busy and not think about pain or misery, but with Kara, Kara was her life. Kara was her happiness, and othing Lena could do would stop her from worrying.

She stands, arms crossed over her chest, defending her heart. She can’t take her eyes off of Kara’s shut eyes. Her body floats within the tube, the water soaking her and keeping her afloat, the breathing tube giving her life.

“Lena.” The voice is soft but rough with exhaustion. When Lena turns to see the voice she sees a tired Alex with bloodshot eyes and bloodstained cheeks. “Come on, I’ll have Winn take you home.”

Lena watches as Lena offers a hand but her body ignores it, it pulls to be with Kara. “But-”

“I’ll call if anything changes. Even the smallest change, okay?” Alex motions for Lena to come to her, so she does. She lets her body break and tumble, leaving a piece of her in that room with Kara.

Winn doesn’t argue when Alex tells them both to go home. He just nods his head with a solemn face before grabbing his laptop and coat. Lena follows him slowly, eyes always glancing down the hallway to Kara’s room. She passes by Mon-el and Imra. Imra has her hands around Mon-el who’s lightly crying against her shirt, Lena knows he loved Kara but something bites at her that he shouldn’t be mourning, that he has a wife, he has Irma. Lena, Lena has no one.

Winn ends up taking James home as well, the three of them sit in his small Toyota Corolla in pure silence. Lena took the back seat, watching on as Winn lets his hand settle on the dash between the two seats only for it to be intertwined with James’ hand. James lifts the back of Winn’s hand to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the skin, earning a sad smile from the driver.

Lena goes to touch her lips, the last time she kissed Kara, it feels like years ago.

_ “I think Ruby’s a bit tired.” Sam approaches them in Kara’s apartment, both her and Ruby’s coats are in hand. They all turn their head to see a frightened Alex with her hands up in the air, as if terrified to touch the child who was now resting her head on Alex’s lap. _

_ Kara lets out a boisterous laugh, stifling it as Ruby stirs on Alex’s lap. Sam pokes at Ruby as she wakes, taking her hand and leading her out of the door. Alex leaves next, talking about how Maggie finally got home from her late patrol. Kara kisses her cheek in goodbye and Alex gives her a hug, something she’s found Alex doesn’t do often but does frequently with Lena. _

_ They’re left alone, the Martians left early so J’onn could show his father other holiday activities, James and Winn left together because they carpooled here, and Lucy had an emergency at the office so she left earlier than J’onn. _

_ Lena’s in the midst of cleaning the table when she feels hands wrap around her waist, Kara’s lips on her neck. Not in seduction, not in a hot way, just a presence. Just a reminder that Kara’s real and loves her. Lena leans back, falling into the touch as Kara makes her put the trash bag down. _

_ “Dance with me.” Kara whispers. _

_ “If I don’t do this now, it will never get done.” Lena mumbles when Kara turns her around, one hand on Lena’s hip and another taking Lena’s hand so they are in dancing position. _

_ “I’ll do it in five seconds before you’re even awake tomorrow.” Kara kisses Lena’s forehead, Lena’s head falls to Kara’s shoulder and nuzzles into the crook of her neck. Kara hums a tune as they dance around the cluttered floor. She doesn’t realize until they’re falling in bed that Kara’s dancing them to their bedroom. They fall to the bed, pulling off shirts and pants. Kara’s soft hands run across Lena’s pale skin and the warmth of the Kryptonian palms make Lena melt. _

_ Lena’s nearly asleep and Kara just chuckles. “Let’s go to bed.” _

_ “No, I’m okay just one round.” Lena tries to give a smirk but she just yawns and falls to the pillows. Kara’s arms come to wrap around her and the blankets come flying over each of them to cover each other. _

_ “Goodnight Lena.” Kara kisses her on the lips, a message of love in silence. _

_ Lena smiles when Kara pulls back, “Goodnight darling.” _

She’s at her door when the memory fades, replaced with the sirens and screams of terror as the world watched Supergirl fall. She opens it and as she closes it, her forehead rests against the wood, her hand presses against the wood even after the click of it shut, she turns her back to the door. Her purse and keys fall from her hands and her back slides down the door as she lets out a sob. She doesn’t want to be here. She wants Kara. She wants Kara’s apartment with Kara’s bed sheets and Kara’s clothes. And Kara. Kara. Kara.

Her apartment is empty compared to Kara. No bright lights that shine through, no random pink wall that was accidentally painted the wrong color because Eliza didn’t bring her reading glasses to the home store, no mismatched furniture. Her apartment was hell compared to Kara’s. She hates it. She forces herself up, trudging through the non-existent quicksand that threatens to pull her back to the abyss. She faces her bedroom but regrets it because all she can picture is Kara’s perfect face smiling as bright as the sun and her blue eyes shining like an ocean in the birth of the morning. She takes the couch instead, gripping a pillow and curling around it as she falls into a dreamless sleep.

—

They stand around the life pod, the yellow cover falls away to reveal a still floating Kara. Lena is in the back, one of Lucy’s hands is on her shoulder while the other holds Lena’s left hand. Alex is standing with Mon-el, looking over the data that the lifepod has been screaming back at them for the last four hours.

Kara’s body was ready to be taken off life-support, or at least, that’s what 22nd century technology tells them. She has faith in the technology, it came from Saturn’s most brilliant minds, surely they know what they’re doing.

Her hand squeezes Lucy’s a little tighter now, Alex nods her head and Winn begins tinkering on his console. The lifepod beeps repeatedly at them, the light above the pod flashes red then orange then green before it stills at a bright green light and the liquid inside the tank slowly drains out, the oxygen tubes stay connected only to lower her to the ground before ejecting themselves from Kara’s oxygen mask. Lena looks over J’onn’s shoulder, her teeth worry at her bottom lip as she sees the glass fall away and Alex goes to Kara.

Everyone backs away, taking four steps to give her room, Lena does so as well, even though her body wants to be four steps closer. Alex peels back Kara’s eyelids, flashing a light at them before goes to listen to her sister’s breathing and counts her heart rate.

“Kara. Kara can you hear me?” Alex’s voice is clear and loud, but to Kara, who knows what it sounds like. Alex repeats herself four or five times before Kara’s body rocks to the side, hands pulling at her breathing mask to get it away from her face.

Kara hacks up water and some blood but then takes in a deep breath of air. Part of Lena relaxes as she watches Kara regain herself.

“Alex.” J’onn’s voice is soft and directed specifically at her, their eyes meet and he continues. “Something isn’t right.”

His father is in the back of the room when he speaks up, Lena nearly forgot he was there. “I sense it too. The young Kryptonian is different.”

Alex shakes them off before a hand goes to Kara’s shoulder, only for Kara’s hand to grip Alex’s wrist at a crushing strength. Lucy nearly lunges when she hears a crack but J’onn holds her. Lena’s hands cup themselves and hold themselves over her mouth as she watches in confusion.

“Kara. It’s me, Alex.” Her voice is cracking, the pain of Kara’s grip getting to her. Kara’s hand lets go, her head turns but as the hair falls from her eyes something is wrong.

Her eyes glow blue, Lena thinks she’s going to heat vision her own sister until she realizes that Kara’s eyes aren’t burning or increasing in heat. They just glow.

“I don’t,” Kara hisses in pain, one hand going to grip her own temple. “I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know Kara?” J’onn speaks softly, crouching down next to Alex.

“Who you all are.” Lena’s heart falls to her stomach, a gasp of air escapes her and causes Kara to look at her, to look at her with her blue glowing eyes and nothing else. No Kara Danvers, just some Kara.

Alex ushers them all out, all discussing what to do and talking to J’onn about possibilities. Lena walks a bit down the hall, away from everyone, she needs air. She needs Kara.

“It could be due to trauma, her brain doesn’t want to relive the pain of the reign fight so it’s suppressing it. It could be that she was gone for too long and her brain reset. There are a million possibilities, and a million more because she’s alien.” J’onn speaks above them all.

“What if we try memory therapy?” When Winn gets nothing but odd looks he rephrases, “We each go in there, try to talk to her about how we each first met her, how she’s affected our life, but not about the fight.”

Alex nods her support for the idea, as does James and J’onn. Lucy shrugs her shoulders and Mon-el just watches. Lena holds herself, she can’t talk to her, not to that Kara. Alex puts them on hold for a second as she goes to Lena. Lena wipes away the tears.

“Hey, did you hear Winn?” Lena nods her head in confirmation. “Okay, I’m going to go in first, then maybe you can go?”

Lena shakes her head. “Alex I can’t. I can’t-” Her breath shakes, “I had so much hope, and hearing she doesn’t know anyone, that crushed it. I can’t go in there and not have it work.”

“Okay, okay, Hey.” Alex hugs her, holding her as Lena breaks and cracks and chips away right there in that hallway. “Hey, I’ll have someone take you home and then when we’re all done, I’ll call you and you can decide then.”

Lena nods her head, Alex holds her shoulders and then grabs a passing soldier’s arm before telling them to escort Lena home. Lena looks back to the glass room, watching as Kara sits on a bench in the middle of the room, head in her hands as Alex enters the room alone.

Lena follows the agent, gets in the escort car and then immediately tells him to go to L-Corp. He doesn’t question it, does as she says and Lena asks him not to tell Alex.

Jess immediately questions her return to L-Corp, something about not being fit for work after what happened to Kara. Lena nods her head and tells her she can have the day off and that no meetings will be conducted today.

She sits herself at her desk, arms spread and eyes closed, she takes a deep breath and throws herself into work. Throws herself into something familiar. Numbers and equations, she can do. Stocks and profits, she can do. Not Her Kara is something she can’t do.

The numbers help, the profits help. She decides she needs to increase Jess’ salary because the poor girl runs herself to the bone and the company has the money to spare. The new tech reports for developing projects help. She crosses off things she finds useless, things that won’t improve society. She adds additional notes on some projects.

She’s through half of her busy work when she needs a new pen. She stands, walking to the cabinet nearest her desk, and opens the top drawer. Loose pens roll around as she opens it, she grip one and then pauses. Her eyes are drawn to the felt square in the back corner of the drawer. Suddenly Not Her Kara is the only thing on her mind.  

She puts the pen on her desk, pulling the felt box out with it. She sets it in the center of her desk, on top of prototype packets and last quarters stock results. Her hand trembles as she goes to open it, the silver band stares back at her when she does open it. The silver band that wraps around a stone of a fallen meteorite. The closest thing to the heart of a star she could get. That’s what she wanted to get Kara, a star, but the technology wasn’t there. So she settled for a diamond like crystal from inside a meteorite.

She pulls the ring from its safe slit in the box, holding the back of the band as her thumb smoothes over the stone.

The soft sound of boots landing behind her tears her from her thoughts, from her pain. She places the ring back in the box, closing it fully, before she stands and walks to her balcony door. Across from her, a tentative Supergirl. Eyes no longer bright blue but the ocean once there is long gone. Lena puts her arms against the railing and leans forward, having not noticed how the afternoon was taken from her and it’s now the dark of evening.

“Do you remember?” Lena knows it’s a bad question. If she had, she wouldn’t be here. She would be running to Lena and Lena would be jumping into her arms and they would be happy. Lena’s not jumping, Supergirl isn’t running, and they aren’t happy.

“I have bits and pieces, Alex has the most memories. The Man guy wanted to stay with me more but something about him, makes me uncomfortable. His memories aren’t really positive.” Supergirl says as she stands a large distance away from Lena.

“Mon-el. Not Man.” Lena remarks.

“Right.” Supergirl nods her head. “He doesn’t seem right, why haven’t I arrested him? Or killed him?”

Lena wants to bust out laughing but her laughter hasn’t come to her since the night of the fight. “You actually fell in love with him.” Lena nods her head when Supergirl gives her an odd look.

“And you.” Lena looks at her with hopeful confusion. “Who are you? Alex said you’re Lena Luthor. Luthor reminds me of something but when I get to focused on it my head hurts.” Supergirl is a bit closer now.

Lena sighs. “I am- was?” Lena questions. “I was your girlfriend.” Lena can feel the tears fighting to stay behind her eyes.

“Like Alex and Maddie?”

“Maggie.”

“Right.”

“I guess. Alex and Maggie are engaged, getting married soon. It’s our version of your Kryptonian matrix but we choose our own partners.” Lena explains.

“And I chose you?” Supergirl questions.

It’s the tone she uses, the way her words dip into confusion when she questions their relationship. It’s that and the weeks of minimal sleep and missing Kara that make Lena want to throw herself over the ledge. She just lets out a few tears instead. “You did.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Supergirl steps closer to Lena.

“Yes, No. I mean.” Lena lets out a puff of air.

“Why do you cry? Did I not make you happy?” Supergirl takes a step closer but Lena can’t. She can’t have her closer to her or she’ll break more than she is already.

Her hands go up to stop Supergirl. “God, yes. You made me so happy. I loved you so much. We were going to move in together. That’s a big step on Earth. I come from a family of heartless individuals and you,” Lena lets out a sob, pushing her hair back because she can’t believe she’s losing herself and Kara in the same day. “You made me feel good. You made me see that I’m not my last name. You loved me and I loved you. You were my home.”

“I don’t understand.” Supergirl says beneath a whisper.

“I know. I know.” Lena stammers, “and that is what is so horrible.”

Supergirl gives her an empty look of confusion.

“You are Kara. You are everything she is, but you aren’t her. God I can’t, I can’t do this. Why did you come here?” Lena holds herself in her arms.

“You mean something. There’s something in me that wants me to go to you. I was stuck, too many people, too many noises. I just came here. I didn’t even know where I was going. But my body, my body told me here. Here was safe.”

“I’m sorry.” Lena turns away, not seeing the hero reach out for her before pulling back into herself. She leaves the felt box on the table, rushing to the elevator and down to the garage. Her emergency car is parked in its marked spot, she races to it, races to the safety of its closed space. She gets out of the parking lot before the tears flood down her cheeks. She gets to her apartment before she breaks down. She gets to her couch before she falls apart.

—

“And Supergirl has just come out of the bank with the four gunmen in custody. The police are taking over now. We sure are lucky to have her back. Back to you in the studio.”

 

“Thank you Janet, We-”

Lena turns her television off, dropping to the couch and pulling up a book as the lights in National City fall away and the moon lights the sky with stars. She waits for the inevitable soft landing outside of her apartment. The inevitable sound of her sliding glass door opening to let the hero inside.

“You can’t keep doing this.” Lena whispers as she turns the page.

“It helps me.” Supergirl takes her boots off, setting them by the door.

Lena closes her eyes, picturing a different day. A day where Kara would land on that balcony, where Kara would step through that door, where Kara would take off her boots and her cape and her entire outfit to be bare for just Lena. A day where Kara would put a sweater three sizes too big on and come up to hold Lena to her body. A day where Kara might twiddle with the ring that sits back in her pen drawer.

She opens her eyes to reality. “I know, Alex says you get a bit better each day. I just-” Lena sighs in frustration, closing her book and putting on the side table before she sits upright. Her head goes to her hands, elbows on her knees, leaning forward. “It hurts.”

“I’m sorry.” Supergirl sits in a chair across from Lena, back straight and hands in her lap, proper. Not like Kara.

_ That’s all you’ll ever be.  _ Lena berates herself for the comment, grateful her mouth didn’t decide to spill it. She settles back into her couch, pulling her legs up onto the couch.

“When have you slept last? Like truly slept?” Supergirl questions. Typically it was  _ describe one of our dates,  _ or  _ what’s your favorite memory,  _ with an occasional  _ how was your day  _ . Supergirl just wanted to hear. She would sit quietly, eventually leaning back into her chair, and listen. No noise, nothing. Lena would tell her story and then she would be gone. It left Lena in shambles but Alex has texted Lena about Supergirl’s increasing memory.

“Um, I’m not sure. Maybe a few days-”

“You aren’t supposed to do that.” Supergirl says matter-of-factly.

“It’s difficult.” Lena doesn’t look at Supergirl, she never can when they have their talks. Supergirl’s look makes her continue. “I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the nightmares I’ll get. Then I get exhausted and fall asleep and have nightmares. They wake me in the middle of the night then I get terrified of having another one. I’m caught in a loop. It was like this all the time before-” She stops herself.  _ Before you. Before Kara.  _ She doesn’t need to finish though, Supergirl seems to fill in the blank.

“What if I stay here tonight?” Supergirl asked with innocence in her voice. She doesn’t understand the implications of that, the pain it will just add to the nightmares.

“Okay.” Lena wants to scream,  _ No, no this isn’t the answer she wanted to give.  _ But Supergirl is already up and stripping her cape.

“Do you have a shirt I could borrow?” Supergirl asks as her hands go to untuck her costume shirt.

Lena just nods her head, she goes to the closet down the hall. It takes a moment to rummage through the old clothes, it takes even longer because she pauses, pulling the National City University sweatshirt from her closet.  _ Not this one, this is Kara’s.  _ She smells it quickly, the smell of Kara still holds to the fabric.

She puts it away, pulling out some sweater lost to the clutter, and walks back to Supergirl. The hero puts it on and then proceeds to take off her costume from underneath the sweater. Lena stands, nerves light up and down her skin until Supergirl taps her shoulder to signal she’s done. Lena takes them to her bedroom. Memories of their first night in that bed flood her mind, clothes ripped off, hands everywhere, words of love muttered and shouted like a prayer.

Supergirl pulls the covers back, sitting on the side Kara would sit on.  _ One thing is similar  _ . Lena hesitantly walks closer, approaching with caution as she pulls herself under the covers and lies down. She turns on her shoulder, her back to Supergirl. It’s fine, the feeling of cold and loneliness. It’s fine until Supergirl is holding Lena, wrapping one arm around her and bringing her close.

“Is this okay?” She asks with fear in her voice.

_ No. Nothing is okay. I love you still, I love you but you aren’t even here.  _ “Yeah.” She squeaks out.

Supergirl settles and then Lena is tightening her muscles, her bones, her entire body goes on edge because Her hand grazes Lena’s exposed stomach and Lena wants to pull away, wants to run, wants to be anywhere but here. But then, another part of her remembers this warmth, remembers the tentative touches Kara gave Lena even after their first night. Her body betrays her mind, falling into a relaxed state and succumbing to the warmth. It doesn’t register this isn’t her Kara. This is an imposter. It’s no matter, once her body relaxes, her mind falls to peace with a dreamless night.

—

She’s back at L-Corp. Her world still fractured but slowly put back together, slowly being realigned like a jigsaw puzzle. She’s not perfect, but then again she never was. The board meets yearly, she actually arrived to this one, deciding it might take her mind off of things. She’s at her desk, listening to budget proposals and cutting back wages in order to increase profit. Lena doesn’t know how many times she has to say no to cutting wages before they stop proposing it.

 

Jess intrudes, walking forward and leaning down to whisper in Lena's ear. She slowly nods in agreement.

 

"Jess will escort you gentlemen out. I have business to attend to. Send the proposal's to my box." She stands, straightening her shirt and walking to the elevator. Her hands sweat, full of nerves and tension.  

 

Out of all drivers she was not expecting Winn in his tiny little Corolla to be waiting for her in front of her office building. She gets in the passenger side, no James to be seen. He gives her a nod in recognition before driving away, going onto traffic and down streets and alleys. 

 

They get to the DEO in thirty minutes, Winn shows everyone his badge. Most just nod indignantly but some actually check to make sure. He leads them to the glass room. Lena swallows the lump in her throat. 

 

Alex stands outside the door, biting a nail before she sees Lena. She approaches Lena and is practically bouncing on her feet with tension. 

  
“What’s going on?” Lena questions.

 

She hears it first, the shout of frustration. “I just want Lena. Where is she?”

 

She looks over Alex’s shoulder to see Supergirl tearing at the IVs that agents keep trying to put in, she’s groggy and doesn’t even get out of the bed with her attempts of ripping medical supplies. She just lies on the bed, her hand over her mouth as her body shudders.

 

“She’s having some type of lapse, she just fought with Psi.” Lena remembers the villain well, Kara was riddled with night terrors the week after putting her behind bars. 

 

“Let me talk to her.” Lena says, her voice not even flat as she’s not sure she can help.

 

The door opens, Alex motions for them all to get out before letting Lena inside. “Supergirl?” Lena asks with concern.

 

“Lena!” Supergirl nearly shouts, the volume gets to her and she’s clutching her head.

 

“Lena listen, she manipulates minds and the first time this happened it was Krypton’s explosion over and over again. In the elevator, in the bank, on the toilet. It never stopped happening. And now she’s back, because of course National City Police can’t do one thing right. Of course I don’t mean Maggie, she doesn’t oversee prison transfers, she’s a detective, but still. And so it started again. Only this time it hit something else. I didn’t even know it happend. I just saw you falling and falling over and over again. And it felt like a false memory but it’s real. It was you. It was you when your mother sent people to kill you. But only I couldn’t reach you. My hand would barely reach you and then it would go black and now.” Supergirl takes a breath, her eyes are full of tears. “And I’m so sorry, Rao, Lena I’m sorry. I made you, I made you feel alone again. I made you feel like I abandoned you. But I don’t remember everything. It hurts to focus on some memories but you. Rao I remember you.”

Lena’s eyes have gone wide as Supergirl spits out the last tumble of words. Her hand goes to Supergirl’s cheek. Her own eyes scan Supergirl’s, her breathe hitches when she sees it. The ocean, the sky, the blue. “Kara?” The word gets caught in her throat, a lost language that the world thought it would never hear again.

“I don’t remember everything. But Rao, Lena. I know you. I remember you. I remember my promise and I am so sorry I broke it.” Supergirl,  _ no,  _ Karal lifts a hand to Lena’s cheek, eyes full of tears and sadness. 

Lena’s eyes fill with tears, a broken smile graces her lips before she leans in to kiss Kara. The taste, it’s Kara. There is nothing in this universe that could taste the way Kara does, nothing could ever replicate Kara. Kara may not remember it all, but she remembers her love for Lena.

Lena pulls away, burying her head in the crook of Kara’s neck. Both her hands go to grip Kara’s hand. Her fingers slid to Kara’s pulse, listening to the steady beat of her heart.  _ Home. _

“You came back to me.” Lena whispers with a sad voice.

“Always.” Lena’s forehead presses against Kara’s and they sit there in silence, holding each other because Kara’s home and Lena has Kara.

**Author's Note:**

> maybe like or comment? might have an epilogue?? guess we'll see
> 
> and as always, find me on tumblr @canaries


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